Many of times I have to stop myself in my own tracks and say, “Kel, what is the motive behind your striving?.”Or even better my favorite question to ask myself, “Where is your heart in this?”
To be honest and transparent with you, recently my feelings were hurt. With our time on the race flying by, it was time for new team leaders and new squad leaders to be raised up. I was hurt by not being chosen to be one of these leaders. Man, did I have to sit at the Father’s feet and hand over that selfish part of me. He ever so gently re-focused and adjusted my heart.
Before continuing on, I just want to say that my squad is ABSOLUTELY amazing! It is composed of individuals with hearts truly beating after that of the Father’s. I have gleaned so much about our Lord just by knowing these people and am so thankful for this journey. Every single individual on this team is a leader in their own way.
This is why I am ashamed of admitting that I felt this way, but I also want to bring it to the table because I know I am not the only one. We have all been there when we have felt unchosen, and just the plain and simple way to put it: not good enough. WHAT A LIE FROM THE ENEMY. He knows he cannot mess with the Lord’s plan, but that he surely can sidetrack us and get us caught in the weeds. He knows how to negate and persuade us to long after the influence we may have instead of just simply showing up every day to carry our cross and to move our Father’s heart. When he tempted Eve back in the garden, the devil essentially just puffed up Eve’s head. In Genesis 3:5 the enemy says, “Your eyes shall be open and you shall be as gods.”
Friends, I felt burdened to write this because the enemy has major ground here. I am in no manner saying influence is a bad thing; it actually is an absolutely beautiful gift from the Lord. But, it becomes the bad thing when we are more focused on our following, or people agreeing with us, or receiving that “Amen” from a word spoken than on the hearts of those around us And the Kingdom.
I think of Jesus’ disciples. They did not have Instagram to share all of their cool, Jesus encounters and stories; they did not have the cameras to capture the moments; they did not have the blogs to write the words. They risked their lives, and they were persecuted.
It brings me to ask the question, “What if instead of receiving likes we were receiving stones?” Would we be as gung-ho about Jesus? Again, I ask because these are the questions I ask myself.
As Jesus walked this earth, He did not carry influence or a title; He came to carry a cross.
Isaiah 53:5 “But, He was wounded for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.”
I am angry at myself. It is a righteous anger; An anger that is starting a fiery passion in my soul to boldly proclaim the gospel no matter the case. For this is the cause of Christ; this is why we have this life to live. I truly have never needed or even desired the spotlight; yet, here I found myself hurt by not receiving it. The devil gained this foothold over me for a moment, but by Jesus’ power I will not let him keep it. The Lord redirected me to seeing how beautiful each of these women who are chosen are and seeing the privilege it is to even be a part of this team. He reminded me of how we are the body and as I layed this hurt at His feet, He reminded me Who I am.
So, what are you after today?
Are you after being an “influencer” or are you truly after the Father’s heart?
Lord, may we live only to move your heart.
Thank you for your daily grace and mercy that covers this selfish heart of mine.
Remind us every moment that we are given of the cross You bore for us.
Your Beloved, Kel
Dang, that’s good stuff. Thank you for exhibiting humility, vulnerability, and courage. You look more and more like Jesus every day!